in the shadows

I am a celebrator, a seeker of joy.
Give me a holiday, big or small; a weekend of adventure or an ordinary old Tuesday. I will laugh in the joy, or dig in until I can find it. I love the planning, the doing, the beauty seeking. It is who I am, who I dare to be. 

It is harder... in the shadows of days you could wish away. A day of blustery anger, or heartbreaking sadness, a day when your child tells you their soul doesn't fit in the body they were given. Transgender? It's not something I ever wondered about, and something that has become part of my precious family over the last several years. And what do you say in response to an announcement like this? I said all of the right things: I love you, I support you, I love you, I love you. I've also said plenty of wrong things... because my very soul aches, because I don't understand how this could be, because... from the day that sweet bundle of baby was set in my arms, all I saw was perfect. Are you now not the same person you were when we celebrated five, ten, sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one... or the million moments in between? 

I literally have no answers... I just love. Fear scrambles my joy... I continue to just love. I can't see that another choice lies before me, but it is hard to find the joy in this. I read of other people celebrating this with their children, being proud, moving forward with such purpose... and here I sit, in the shadows. Not because I think this is wrong, but because my heart just feels broken... for me and for them. I feel broken. 

The shadows have overcome my days, and where there has always been beauty seeking, I feel... blah. I'm not saying I can't see the beauty of a sunset, feel the love of a hand clasped around mine, or even find joy in laughter that bubbles up unexpectedly. I cherish all of those things. But where the joy once glowed for hours, spurring on more and more joy, the shadows slip in quickly, and blur the lines. 

I long to not be blurry...

friday virtual coffee...many months later

This October Friday finds me sitting in the same chair, with the same view (but perhaps a different mug.) I'm not complaining - I could sit here forever and be okay. In one more month we'll be back in the office, full time - take two. This work/life balance I have found over the last twenty months has been... glorious. It will be hard to go back. Just thinking about the commute makes me shudder. But it's Friday, and the weekend is almost here!

It took me six weeks to get that vaccine appointment for Bob {which seems unreal at this point, when no one seems to want it.} When the "book appointment" showed up on my computer screen, I didn't dare breathe, and typed in the information in a flurry of errors, barely holding myself together. And when it showed appointment confirmed, I lost it. On my knees, sobbing my thanks to God, all while trying to call my Mom and texting the six others we had trying to acquire this one appointment. I may have held my breath a little, waiting the week until the appointment... but now, all of us have been vaccinated, and I'm just thankful. 

In the many months since I've been here, I've been living, and it has felt good. Trips to the beach, walks in the woods. A glorious journey to the mountains. Bike rides, owl sightings, and more than a few family celebrations. And with our Covid Bubble friends, who already felt like family, we have found our way around some great fun. 

I hope to stay focused enough to tell the stories... because the words are here, but the follow through has been lacking. That makes me sad, but I think we may all be suffering from soul exhaustion. All of that energy I had for a thousand projects during the shut down is long gone... but that may just be the reality of living outside the bubble. I was hoping to hang on to some of that, and maybe now, saying it out loud, I can try to find a compromise within myself. 

I also hope to be back here, in this spot, long before so many months pass me by. 

friday virtual coffee...

You know when you have only a little to say about several things? A coffee chat is the way to go, and virtual? Well, what isn't virtual these days? Half of me longs for real-in-person-life, and the other half of me is pretty content with the isolation. On this Friday, which somehow feels like a Monday, I took out my Dolly mug and filled her up with some strong hot chocolate....because the coffee is already long gone {and now that I have said all of that, I hope I can recall what else is on my mind!}

My day started at the computer... trying to get a vaccine appointment for Bob. I do not know the trick to actually acquiring an appointment, and it's ticking me off {this has turned my rare cynical side on overdrive!} People get through, the appointments disappear. I feel like I am doing something wrong. But my Mom texts me that she loves me, and my heart softens enough to return to myself. I guess it's just not our turn. And... if all these people got appointments today, they shouldn't be on trying next time. I just want him safe. Even though I missed my walk in the chilly air this morning, I did get in over 5k steps at the computer. Check!

Yesterday I did get my walk in, although the chill had not quite arrived. The air seemed light and fluffy, wispy clouds blowing by, and catching sight of the beautiful lemon moon called me to walk a new way. I followed along beside, while she bobbed along the tree line. It's good to start the day with a smile!

And as today winds down to the weekend {thank you, God} I long to be in the sunshine and feel the breeze on my face. What does the weekend have in store? Maybe a morning of strawberries, definitely a little wine, a few rounds of the game with my parents, and rest... all enjoyed with the love of my life, who keeps me going. 

monday hope renewed...

Last week was tough...
Monday I felt like throwing in the towel. An afternoon visit to the doctor didn't help too much, but maybe the bronchitis was at least a reason for my mood. But I did what we all do, and pushed through, best I could. And this morning, on a new Monday, I laced up my shoes and started out the fresh new week with a renewed hope. The music propelled me along the sidewalk and into daybreak... and I caught a few glimpses of of radiant pink as I made the last few turns. I'm always thankful for the light.

I don't know much, except that hope is necessary for life, and it's value is under-rated. God keeps revealing that to me over and over again, so much so that I feel it is embroidered on my heart, and if ever I claimed a word for the year, this should be it. Maybe not for just the year, but for all time. 

He whispers the word in Swahili to my Africa-loving heart. Tumaini. He leads me to where it is etched in the sand beneath my feet. He directs my path... chasing the next beautiful sunrise, with hope that the next one will be THE most beautiful. {Who am I to limit the wonder He can paint in the sky?} He sings it to my soul...

You are the one thing that I need

This is my only hope

That you'll never let me go

I need an anchor

To hold me through the storm

-Anchor, Colton Dixon