with my whole being

I guess I am an emotional girl... Maybe that doesn't sound like a news flash.... so many things make me tear up... celebrate, and shout for joy. Maybe what I mean is that my emotions get the best of me... or maybe they are the best of me. Because while good news can make my heart take flight, sadness can overwhelm my being. From my heart to my mind... to my soul. I have one more Sunday visit with my Gramma before she leaves. I thought I was doing okay. Really, I did. After initial heartbreak at the news of her moving north, I realized it was what she wanted and needed... and I came to terms with it... was excited for her. And I have tried to make the most of every moment that we have together... from taking her to church and sharing a hymnal, to begging my Mom to make us more almond cream puffs. Sitting on the couch with her this afternoon... we just chatted off and on... I rested my head on her shoulder... and we held hands. I'm going to miss her. Really miss her. And as I sat by her side, I thought about how I was going to say goodbye to her next Sunday... and it did me in. I made it out of the living room before the tears started... or at least my face was turned. I made it to the car and was able to hide my eyes with my sunglasses before the flood gates opened. Eric reached out his hand and just held mine while I cried. I know my tears are not for her... they are for me. Selfish? Perhaps. But I do not know how to stop them. And I do not know how to lift the weight that has settled over me tonight. The muscles in my face are tight and my jaw is aching with the tears that have come and gone... and still... my heart has put a spell upon my soul... and I wonder how I will actually say goodbye...