the mess of less

She asked and I said No. I'm actually doing really great. But here I sit... two weeks later, reflecting and thinking, Maybe I am. Because I am dragging. Maybe I am not quite out from under my cold... and maybe I am just dwelling in my mess. But either way, it tells me that perhaps I am in a crisis of sorts...
I certainly am feeling like I am not enough.
And too much, as that number on the scale taunts me and reminds me again that I am not giving it my all. And I let it define me... as less.
I wanted the cheeriness of the Valentine decorations to brighten my mood... but even the sun shining through pink glass hearts did not pull my smile all the way up through my eyes.
The other night... Camden crawled under the entertainment center to turn the white twinkle lights on for me. Yes, the ones that are strung in my paper snowflake garland. I had added some red heart doilies. That light? It brought me joy. Today it brings along a realization. The Light. It is missing from me. I have let too much distance grow in between me and that Light. And in this moment it comes to me. Jesus is the only one who can stop the less and bring the more... and I know just what I need to do.

In your ocean I am ankle deep
I feel the waves crashing on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
I can't figure out
Just how much air I will need to breathe.

I just want something beautiful to touch me
I know that I'm in reach
I am down on my knees
And waiting for
Something beautiful.
-lyrics from Something Beautiful, NeedtoBreathe