allowance

Looking for my running shoes this morning, the anger started to boil within. How could I allow myself to lose track of them... or more to the point, how could I allow the days between now and the last time they were laced, ready to move? Uncovering them from where they had been tossed... I vowed anew. To keep them in sight. Ready to roll.

Three weeks ago, I allowed a glimpse of fear to seep into my workout. Week three was tough. Not so tough that I couldn't endure it, but hard enough to make me doubt. Running three minutes took so much breath... how would I ever be able to run a 5K? And through the doubt, above the music raging in my ears, there was a voice.
You are on week three?
Yes. As if You don't know...
How many weeks between now and a 5K?
Ummm... six.
Yes, six.
And He makes me realize this is a process, a journey. No, I wasn't ready for that 5K on week three... but I needed to trust that He would carry me through the journey. And knowing that, keeping it close to my heart, I began to love week three.

A week or so ago... I began Week Four. It took all I had to complete the first day. All I had. But finish, I did. And now...it has taken me a full week, maybe more, to dig out those shoes again. Fear. Not only did I allow it to show its face again, I allowed it to cover my heart. Even knowing that God would meet me on the journey, was waiting for me... I allowed the excuses and the busyness. I allowed the hiding. And in the allowance, I deprived myself of any feeling of success and goodness. I deprived myself of His voice. His goodness.

Motivated by deprivation... I stepped back into the journey. Today.  It was hard. And I didn't quite have the finish I desired. I pushed and pushed and called for His breath... and still, I allowed the slowing of flying feet. I know it was not Him that let me down... not Him... but me. But in the face of giving in, there were promises made. New goals set. Goodness... right around the bend.   And allowance... to seek success.