i trust

I lay quietly grasping his hand, eyes wide open and tears sliding down my face.   With a sigh, he says it will be okay, but even his voice sounds unsteady and I'm sure he only said it because he knew I needed to hear it.  Too close to home. Again.  My heart cries out to lock the doors and draw the drapes and hide from the world.  My mind knows this is no way to live, no way to teach them. 

Lord, I trust you... Lord, I trust you... Lord, I trust you.

I am jolted awake, surprised that sleep had come at all, and before long I grab for those words again.  I know they are the ones that will get me through the day... the ones that will give me the strength to send her off to school.  School... where who-knows-what is stashed in lockers and backpacks and pockets.  It takes an incident too big to bring the hidden to light, and let me know how false my sense of security really is. 

Lord, I trust you... Lord, I trust you... Lord, I trust you.

I kiss her goodbye... and hide the tears only long enough for her to walk out the door.  And for the first time, I think of those parents who expected to say hello again at dinner time... never once thinking that dinner time as they knew it would never come again.

Lord, I trust you... Lord, I trust you... Lord, I trust you.

I don't doubt that the peace that passes all understanding is coming.  In fact, I don't doubt that it is hovering right here within my reach.  Oh, if only I were brave enough to grasp hold.  But I'm not... not just yet anyway. 

Lord, I trust you... Lord, I trust you... Lord, I trust you.
Life is just too precious, and why-oh-why don't they understand? So I cry a last few tears... for the lives that will never be the same, for parents left behind, for the safety I took for granted, and for the way the sins of the world seem to chip away at faith in mankind.