filling up

Sunlight breaking through the clouds, or dancing across my floor.  Light filtering through the leaves giving them a green-gold almost magical glow.  The lone hibiscus turning her face towards the sun, absorbing life.  And in the late afternoon... the sunlight twinkles through the trees.  The sun fills me up.  It fills me like laughter or a smile from my kids.  It fills me the way a quiet I love you does when it is whispered in my ear.   It fills me like a lyric from a song... speaking right to my heart.  And all of this is okay... because in the same breath drawn of amazement, I recognize it is all from Him, the One who created every scrap of life, every good and perfect gift.  He has woven Himself into every fiber of me... so that in all I do, or see, or seek, He is a part of it. 

With a stern look, we are told to put God first. 

Twice this week already... I have reminded friends that you need to make time for yourself if you plan to be of any use to your family, to your endless lists, to the things that make life work.  I believe it whole heartedly.  Too often in this world, we feel not enough, even if we choose to hear Him tell us that we are enough in Him.  Maybe it is because we are racing about trying to be super-woman when we know it is not possible.  And when I realized that?  I felt empty and not enough...and even if buckets of tears and mounds of chocolate could fill me, I wouldn't have accepted it.   But who can really do it all when their back is aching from bending to pick up stray socks, the to-do list from yesterday still weighs heavy in your pocket, you can't tell if you are coming or going, and dinner needs to be served... again?  And at every turn, you are beckoned... Mom, Ma, Mommy?  I never would have believed that I would grow tired of their voices calling me...

So we make a list of priorities... and even though it is hard and we know we will fail, we are told to put God at the top.  Next?  Husband.  Children.  Work.  The list goes on... and someone is always last.  And that someone?  It falls to us, because how could we place ourselves anywhere else?  That would be... selfish.

But what if He doesn't want me to make a list?  And what if He doesn't really need to be first, but instead desires to simply be a part of everything?  My Pastor encourages this... to make sure God is at the center of everything we do, everything we love, every first-second-third (and so on) most important thing.  And in that, my life becomes a circle, with Love in the center, instead of a long endless list that has me at the bottom.  And in that center, God is like sunshine... reaching out His rays into every bit of everything, weaving Himself into my life, feeling and seeing Him every moment. 

And the list goes on... #8-14 of 1,000 gifts:
-skittering sunshine.  always the sunshine.  always.
-she leaned in for a kiss goodbye.
-the breeze wrapped itself around me when I walked out the door... and then I caught the sweet scent.  I knew it was orange blossoms... but to me, it is the sweet breath of Jesus.
-the mystery chalk person and her cheery message.
-God peeking through the clouds... disguised as rays of sun.
-discovering a nest in the bushes... and watching the mama and daddy birds working to build it up.

-the salt air, the refreshing breeze, sand, surf and peace that I always find just beyond lot 3.

I wonder how long it will take me to get to 1,000. 
And then, I realize it doesn't matter... because I have no doubt that list will go beyond that number anyway.