{virtual coffee}

I felt bad… not showing up for {virtual coffee} yesterday. But I couldn’t find the courage to drag my red-rimmed eyes and my fog- veiled heart out of the house. Or risk someone putting their arms around me, lest I shatter in a million pieces.

My friend is sick.
Yes, cancer.
Second time around.
And I’m sadder than I have been in a really long time.

I sit (and stand and drive and work) in prayer… and ask the God of the universe for healing and peace. I know He can do all things, and even this is not out of His reach… if it is His will. The prayers go ‘round and ‘round through my head and heart and I lay them all in His most capable hands. And then I grab them back greedily and pray some more. As if I can fix this simply by praying enough. I find myself lost and confused… as if by praying the same words over and over again I don’t trust Him enough. Like I think that if I pray longer and louder and then drench the words with tears, He will know how much I desire this. If I didn’t know differently, I could see the logic in that… but I do know differently, I know that God hears every prayer. Whispered, unspoken, shouted and sung. So is it really necessary to pray without ceasing? I don’t know the answer. So I keep on praying. And with the prayers come a few more tears.

In the midst of my own messy emotions, I received an email from my Mom.  If anyone knows how I can pile on the weight of sadness, it is her.  And she wrote... I know that you feel this with every molecule of your being and that you must cry. That is not a bad thing but you must put it in God's hands. You cannot carry the burden by yourself. You can't fix it. You must accept God's will. Dawn, go to your blog and click on "why beyond grace?" read it....and then let God take over....let Him help you to accept His will.  And so I did... even though I was not happy she threw my own words right back at me.  But I suppose, it is a mother's job.  And that very first post I ever wrote... well, it made me cry a little more.  But it also helped me adjust my perspective, and let His grace, and all that it means, wash over my soul.  Thank you, Mom. 

Today I am doing better about holding the tears in check. Because I saw her last night and she looks good and strong. And even in her fear, she exudes such grace. She told me she is due some good news… and so I pray for that… for good news. And if there is not good news? Well, there is Jesus. The best news there is.

I'm link up to Amy's {virtual coffee} even though I am late... because there are good people there... and a few more prayers certainly can't hurt.