aimlessly

Marking time, moving forward. 

This week I feel there is no difference.  Days have passed without an ounce of inspiration... but I haven't sought it, either.  These are the first words I type, because I feel I must, and still I feel... nothing.  I blame it on April out of habit, and yet I'm not quite sure if April deserves the burden.  I've not dwelled in the losses of too many Aprils, but I almost think that not feeling much of anything is as bad, or worse, than the dwelling. Perhaps it is the tired that has been pulling at my heels, or maybe the blanket of sick that is working its way up and over my head.  It could also be the to-do list that begs to be written, and then carried out... and my hopeless attitude about both.  Easter is coming and I should be collecting treasure to nestle in pastel strands of grass, but I can't quite make myself feel the urgency.  And truly, I want to feel it all around me, the urgency and the excitement, the pain and the glorious joy... but I guess I'm not there quite yet.  With a sigh I realize that I have just heaped a bundle of pressure on the days between now and then.  But the days within this week, they were made to sustain far more that my aimless mood. 

I sit, empty... and listen to the silence. 
And just as I am about to push away, I hear the quiet whisperings of joy.   
And in those breaths, I am reminded of the beauty and the full of joy days that I have covered with layers of gray... and a sudden fit of laughter escapes my mouth and I feel the upturned corner of my smile.  Yes... there has been beauty and love and fun.  More than my share, more than I deserve.  Memories of recent yesterdays flash before me like photographs... and I know that the week has not been half of what I have made it out to be.  I was present.  I laughed.  I gave of myself... even if I thought there wasn't much to be given. 

And the items on this list grow, in spite of myself...

101. the joy in the anticipation of my family being all together
102. returning to Africa... even if only through 3D glasses and a movie screen
103. his uncanny knowledge of "that look" and fair warning before a little girl's dinner reappeared.
104. my daughter's patience... even if afterwards she said never again.
105. meeting Jenn.
106. the realization that there is no "imaginary" in our friendship
107. a luxurious place to play and rest... a gift from a generous giver.
108. the excitement in teenage eyes as they waited for entrance into the Wizarding World of Harry Potter- the Christmas gift they had been holding on to.
109. my own little bits of wonder that snuck in... and the things I do for love
110. buckled up, four across... waiting for a wild ride
111. a second "second wind" that brought us home safe & sound.
112. birds chirping as I wake.
113. the relief that Advil brings
114. good news from a hospital waiting room far away... having been there before, I know.
115. the way he loves me everyday... and another little text message that melted my heart
116. an invite for homemade pizza
117. friends around the table... with laughter and chatter
118. seven deer on the hill... two of them very little
119. follow up comments on DWTS, texted between lifelong friends
120.  the camaraderie of friends, walking together in pink shirts for something so much bigger than ourselves
121.  the "I miss you blog" email from my Mom 
122. a steroid shot... it is hard for me to consider this a gift, but I will since it will make me feel better and it didn't come with a week of follow-up pills.
123.  time to rest.
124. still being just a bit taller than my son