Does the heat help? Is is too hot? Do you need another blanket?
It seems years have passed since the last time he needed me in the middle of the night. Many years. But ears have a way of crying out in the wee small hours. He winces through the pain, and my whole mama-self wants to haul him up in my arms and hold him close while I whisper away the pain. But that inch he has grown past me makes it all but impossible. I settle for the hovering... the reheating of the bean-bag, the spreading of another blanket, the watching, the waiting.
Each age, each phase they tumble through, each moment in time... is scattered with gifts, even if they are occsionally scattered in the rubble. I wonder what I would give for the chance to turn back the page and hold my little boy, full in my arms, just once more. The vision slinks in with a warm love glow... and for a minute, all seems worth it. And then clarity comes about and I realize how good it is right now. No trade would suffice... right now needs to be the victor. Right now, perched on the edge of big dreams, with its independence and sense of humor and never-ending list of things that make a mama smile.
I hear his even breathing, place a kiss on his forehead... and I whisper a thank you to the Creator of what was, what is and what will be.
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A week flies by and it is Tuesday again... a Tuesday with gifts to unwrap. The gifts are not always beautiful at first glance, but when I seek with grace-colored-glasses, I find the beauty that was longing to be found. Last week Emily urged to "Begin with the gifts at your feet and see where they take you." Thank you, Emily. They have taken me on a journey and back.
9 comments :
I'm pretty sure this is my new favorite blog. I love your writing. I love that you capture holding your son "full in" your arms, but also illustrate how lovely it is right now. Your writing is beautiful, and encouraging. Yes, this is my new favorite blog.
As I read your post, I could see those moments becoming less and less in my life, too. My son, now 8, is becoming more and more independent. Yes, he still needs his mommy, but not nearly as much as he did. Yes, he'll curl up in my lap, but he has way outgrown the space. Still, I hold him, not letting him slip off.
So thankful for those moments and bank them in my memory account.
What a sweet post from a loving mommy...
What a beautiful post. WOW looking at the gifts at your feet such an incredible and humbling place to be. I want to be there. Joining in at Tuesdays Unwrapped.
Yes. And right in line with Emily's post today. Longing for the days past taken away by the living of today. Hope all is well.
This is beautiful! I have 3 boys 8, 7, and 5 and here lately I've found myself longing for the days gone by so I could hold their little baby-selves in my arms again. I definitely related to your post! But, you're right, what is right now is the gift and to be cherished. That was a gift then and this now is a gift that I don't want to miss a minute of. Thank you for the sweet reminder!
Sighs. You are such an inspiration to accept each moment for the gift it is. <3
Oh yes, the right now is good. I wrote along the very same lines today :) Enjoyed your post!
The here and now is always the best place to be.
I hope your sweet young man feels better soon...no doubt he felt safe with you there. Hovering or not.
Just thinking these same kind of thoughts as I come home from an event with my teenager. Grieving those days past, trying to live in gratitude for the moment. Even through tears of letting go of expectations.
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