a reluctant gift

I pin it over my heart and think of my beautiful friend... and I whisper the ceaseless prayer.   Healing, Lord... on earth.  Please.  If I spoke it one hundred times a day, I wouldn't feel like I did enough, and yet... for Him, it is.  The teal rhinestones sparkle and I think to count them as a gift... and then I pull it back.  I don't want to be thankful for this ribbon, I want to damn it to hell.   I don't want to be aware of the cancer and the sickness, I want to stomp it into the ground.  I want there to be no reason for this ribbon.  I just want healing.  And in the mess of my thoughts, I know the truth.  God can take the biggest messes and create something beautiful from them.  And in this mess, He makes good on the promise.  He shows me the grace in her eyes and in her heart.  He shows me her gratitude for the right now.  He teaches me that even this can have a purpose... so that He may be glorified. 

I still want that healing on earth.  I want it with all my heart.  And I know deep down, whether I bury my head in the sand or become aware, the sickness lives and wonderful people visit the poison palace for hope and healing.  So I wear the sparkling teal with honor... and hope that one day there will be a miraculous cure.  And I decided, reluctantly, that it is indeed, a gift.