The pains started about two weeks ago. The clutch in my chest. The sting of tears behind my eyes.
He is really leaving...
We were in the kitchen starting dinner and I told Eric
I'm starting to get sad. With love and knowing in his eyes, he replied
I was wondering when, and he kissed the top of my head. We both know life will be different with our easy-going, adventurous son half-way across the country.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.
The breathing is working, the sadness has been shoved back behind the to-do list. Even his almost empty room seems okay. But today, the pains return
stronger and closer together. Familiar... and I realize the laboring wasn't really over eighteen Decembers ago. That finally now, almost nineteen years later, I must be prepared for that final push.
He leans his head onto my shoulder and it has a sweetness that seems to move me more than all the times I could hold all of him in my arms.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.
Three farewell dinners, and between grandparents, we celebrated Friday pizza on a Wednesday. An ordinary evening in the mist of an extraordinary week.
It is just what we needed. And those two... they sat and visited and played video games between slices, just as they have for twelve years. Boys to men. They wished each other well and sealed their friendship with a firm handshake.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.
The list still lingers and Eric is out mowing the lawn. Cam and I find jobs we can do while we watch the last episode of
Food Network Star. He looks at me sitting on the floor folding laundry and pats the seat beside him. For a moment I am torn, because
the list, but I come to my senses and join him on the couch. It is only seconds before he leans fully into me, his head fitting just right into the crook of my neck. My chest is crushed with love and I try to hide my gasp for breath... and one lone tear escapes, leaving the others to burn. The mower continues to make loops around the yard and I feel almost guilty for sitting, but
oh I cannot give up these minutes. Surely I am the luckiest mom in the world.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
In. Out. Just keep breathing.
Cam, are you ready for this adventure? he asks as we pull out of the driveway and begin the drive north. Of course he answers the only way he knows how
Yes! It makes me smile knowing this is the honest truth. But when the next question comes from Eric, I pinch back tears.
Is mom ready? I say
Yes, because I want nothing to come between my son and his dreams.
The Iowa sunshine welcomed us to the land of corn, and we laughed as we put miles behind us. There is always fun to be had on a road trip. And then I saw the sign,
Mount Vernon 8 miles, and all of the tears I had been holding back for weeks could not be held a moment longer.
He was good to me. He smiled for every picture; he let me take as many as I wanted. And then it was time... to say goodbye. I took his face in my two hands and repeated the goodbye I've uttered a million times before
Make good choices, be YOU, I love you...
As he walked off into the sunshine, I saw him as the man he has become... and it made me
smile.
