what i will hold on to...

Though the memories play through my head and heart, I haven't actually recorded some of the most special moments of the past year. Not writing them down, preserving them in a tangible way, is risky. I don't want to forget... I don't want to lose them in the mess of today {and the todays to come.}

Sometimes I have stood still, closed my eyes, and tried to imprint a memory on my heart, so that I purposefully take the time to revel in the moment... but there are so many other beautiful things that I rush through, not taking the time to drink them in fully, and they are lost in the busyness of ordinary days.

There was a lot of joy tucked in amongst the days of 2018, and feeling great was definitely a highlight, and perhaps too long overdue. It made everything brighter, and easier... and I celebrated it along the way. And on December 11th, on the first anniversary of my life changing successful surgery, I texted my brilliant doctor to thank him. He thanked us right back... for having faith in him, and for showing such patience. I think he can be a humble man, or perhaps the fact that he could not fix my urology problem made him humble. But he kept on researching, and took a chance with something new that he put his own twist on...and it worked. So I celebrate being able to pee... and the freedom that it has brought me in my mind.

This summer I felt free going to Africa, leaving behind the worry and fear.{I think Eric took them on, afraid that I might all of a sudden have a health issue...} I was so happy in Africa, feeling so much joy at our return to the place I fell in love with, afraid that I would never journey back to. I have yet to document the trip, and I'm pressing it on my heart to start soon... because there are incredible experiences to recall and share. Perhaps one of the most awe inspiring moments was when the elephants crossed the road. It was a trip of elephants, and they crossed the roads around us several times... but one morning we watched them gather on the plains, then circled back a while later to see that many more had joined them. And all of a sudden, as if they nodded to each other in agreement, they meandered to the road, and more than ninety elephants crossed before us and behind us. I could have rushed a thousand pictures then and there...but I chose to stop, breathe, and make sure to enjoy the extraordinary moment.

One of my big dreams of last year was to go to Iowa (yes, Iowa!) and see my son play the steel drums in person. I am ever thankful that YouTube can bring him into my living room, but something in me said I had to be there in person. When Camden gave us the concert date we figured out a way to make it happen, and a few days after Thanksgiving we made our way to Iowa. The concert was the main attraction for me... but the traveling and spending time with Eric gave me a joy all of its own. I just felt lucky to be there, grateful to have those days apart from the rest of real life. I knew Cam wouldn't have a lot of free time, so we would have to make our own fun...and we did. Those days have a glow about them in my memory... and I love that. And of course, the concert was fantastic - and when the professor announced that it was Camden's last, the emotions spilled over. I remembered how he didn't want to even try drumming in college, and how once he tried it out, at a new friend's urging, he fell in love with those pans. And I especially remember him telling me that his goal was to make it to the top steel band by his senior year... and he did. He has made a lot of things happen for himself in Iowa...

 Take time to remember... the grand moments and the small. They make us who we are, and help us to dream up the next adventure.